Are Pineapples A Universal Signal For Swingers? A 20 Minute Google Investigation

I read internet comments.  Why read an article that’s well researched by competent professional with a resume full of credentials/awards, when you can scroll down to a pool of comments left by reactionary batshit crazies that shoot straight from the hip with no regard for humanity?  Listen, if you want to put on your Sunday best and drink wine with the royals, good for you, but if you need to find me, I’ll be getting down and dirty drinking ale with the peasants.  Now and then the commenters will reward for my decision.  Was reading this article and came across this in the comment section:

There’s a swingers community at a golf course neighborhood in my town. It’s all old people basically. So basically old people are getting laid and having more fun than we are. Needless to say, I’m extremely excited to retire….also, you can spot a swinger if they have pineapple pendants or home decor and when they are turned upside down, thats when you know they’re swinging. It’s like their own illuminati symbol.

Well I’ll be damned.  Is this true?  Do I have to stop eating pineapples in front of ugly couples?  According the this article in The Sun:

pineapples as another swinger trait – in the form of a door knocker.

The lady at midlifemargarita confirms that anything pineapple related, from a pineapple lamp to jewelry with a pineapple on it is a sign that you want to swap and fuck.

There you have it folks, pineapples, once the symbol for hospitality and welcoming in simpler times, has been co-opted by married couples that want to play musical chairs with spouses in the neighborhood.  Think twice before eating pineapple with co-workers in the lunch room.  Next time you order pineapple pizza and the delivery guy gives a wink, now you know what his motive is.  Thought Hawaiians were so laidback because of the tropical weather and perfect beaches, think again.  The hot couple in front of you in the grocery line has a pineapple upside down, tap them on the butt and whisper “I know and I’m 100% down” in their ears.  Be a gentleman and offer to pay for that pineapple.  It’s the least you can do before fucking each others’ wife.

My extensive research also found other signals include, but not limited to:  black wedding rings/wedding ring on right hand/garden gnomes/plink flamingo in the yard/pampas grass (an exotic garden plant)/woman wearing a toe ring, anklet, or thumb ring/white landscaping rocks in the front yard.

That’s quite a list.  Swingers basically out here playing a real life version of Photo Hunt.  They’re giving out more signs than a baseball manager in a close game.  Try not getting picked off first!  As a single guy, only sign I’ve really ever looked for is a wedding ring and even then, if she doesn’t have kids, I may approach.  At a bar and a lady flips her hair, crosses her legs; I’m in.  Swingers must wish life was that simple again.  They have to pack their car and drive slowly through upper middle class neighborhoods looking for pineapples and gnomes.   Try explaining that to the cops when they pull you over for looking in everyone’s front window.  “Officer, I swear, we’re looking for willing spouses to steal for an evening, nothing more.”

That concludes 20 minute Google investigation.  Verdict:  While it may be an urban myth, if you’re married/want to explore and see someone holding an upside down pineapple or have some type of pineapple decoration, feel free without fear to test the waters.

PS:  SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple under the sea.  Is he the most famous swinger of all-time?  Hmm…makes me rethink all of his motives.

 

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