Disney Launching A Sex Hotline (Kind Of) 1-877-7-MICKEY

(Source)  GLENDALE, Calif. (KXAN) – For children who need more than a bedtime story to get them to fall asleep, Disney is offering a new hotline where there will be five messages from five popular Disney characters.

The toll-free number, 1-877-7-MICKEY, was launched on Aug. 6 and runs through Aug. 31. The Disney store’s Sleep Shop hotline has messages from Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck and Goofy. 

There is a limit of one message per call. If calling using a mobile phone, standard mobile charges may apply.

Disney says it launched the hotline so “families and fans can add a little Disney magic into the bedtime routine.” The company also launched a new “Sleep Shop” where it is selling cute sleeping pajamas decked in ubiquitous Disney characters.

Disney continues its quest for world domination by dipping its cartoon toe into the hotline game.  Not exactly a sex hotline, but pretty damn close if you ask me.  Anytime you’re tucked in your race car bed and calling a phone number with the fine print ‘standard mobile charges may apply‘, all bets are off.  Don’t put anything past Disney.  It’s no secret Disney takes every chance it can get to place subliminal messages in their films:

The clouds in The Lion King are almost as famous as the movie itself.  So yeah, I’m sure the original recorded messages from Mickey & Minnie are on the up and up, but press the * button and get ready for your little one to pitch his tent.  Mickey is on his best behavior when he’s on the Disney Channel in the morning, but get him on the phone late night after having a few vodka & sodas and heaven knows what vile stuff he’ll say about Minnie.  Remember at the end of the day he’s a mouse and mice live in the gutter.  Minnie knows what Mickey wants; she’s not wearing those short red polka dot dresses to look cute.

And don’t get me started on that pervert Donald Duck.  Dude doesn’t even wear pants in public!  Get him on the line after dialing 1-877-7-MICKEY and you might overhear him slapping Daisy across the face with his webbed fin.  If your child gets Goofy on the line, grab the phone and hang up immediately.  You know that Goofy fuck is into some kinky shit, and I’m not talking about popping pimples.  Whatever Goofy is saying in his recorded message, it’ll have kids needing therapy for years to come.

Hidden messages aside, this hotline is a godsend for parents that don’t particularly enjoy parenting.  I’m not a parent, but I’ve heard from friends of mine that have their shit together that reading to their children before bed ranks just behind getting peed on while changing diapers.  How many times can you read Goodnight Moon before you contemplate putting a revolver to your temple?  After reading it cover to cover for the third time in one session, daddies gotta be like “can you just fall asleep already so I can raid the liquor cabinet downstairs and disappoint your mom with my semi-flaccid pecker?”  So I don’t blame any dad for handing off bedtime duty to Mickey & friends.  Let your kid listen to Disney characters as you go to your master bedroom and call 1-900-BIG-BUTT on your own cell phone.

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