GQ is one of those magazines (now a website mainly) that claims to be a men’s lifestyle site, but if you read any of their articles, especially the ones on dating & lifestyle, you come away knowing it’s anything but. This isn’t unusual. Go to any “men’s lifestyle” sites like Esquire for example and you’ll notice it caters mostly to women. This is fine; just felt like pointing that out.
Anyhoo, I was scrolling through GQ.com last week and came across this article titled 23 People You Definitely Aren’t Allowed To Hit On. The author, Sophia Benoit, writes a lot of dating blogs for GQ, and she has a big dump in her pants. Seriously, Sophia is a wet blanket if there ever was one. This is the opening paragraph of her article:
Hot take: I don’t think people should hit on strangers. In fact, I don’t think people should really hit on anyone. It’s so often creepy and threatening, even if you mean it to be romantic and complimentary. It’s just the nature of this particular beast.
And she goes on to list 23 people we’re forbidden from saying “sup” too. Let’s go through them:
Family members. Even step-family members, or adopted family members. Sorry Clueless fans (not sorry, Woody Allen), family is just off-limits. Hopefully you didn’t need an article to tell you this.
Okay, I can fuck with this one. Good work pointing out the obvious Sophia. Although I will say if you live in a small community and your third cousin looks good in a skirt, I won’t judge you openly. I’ll only talk shit about it behind your back.
2. Your best friend’s ex. If they dated exclusively, past the age of 18, for any amount of time, she’s off limits forever. I don’t care how long they’ve been broken up.
I agree with this, but I wouldn’t say it’s a mortal sin.
3. The girl your best friend has never slept with but is totally crushing on. Dude. Come on.
Your BFF gets one year to man up and make a play on his crush. After a year, everyone else in his crew, including women, get to take their shot. It’s not my fault you insist on staying along the sidelines. After a year, all you can promise your friend is to be quiet when you fuck his crush in the next room over. Re2pect
5. Your boss. Hooking up with your boss is only hot in theory. In practicality, it’s messy and uncomfortable and involves way fewer flirty Gchats than you’re imagining and way more awkwardness after everything inevitably implodes
Hooking up with your boss is hot AF, especially if she’s rich and you get her pregnant. What do you want us to do Sophia? Hit on the babe in the cube next to us? Gross! If you’re going to fuck a co-worker, aim for the corner office. Bonus: pillow talk consisting of talking shit about all the co-workers you both despise.
6. DON’T be the guy who hits on interns. Trust me when I say that everyone at the office talks about that guy, and not in a good way. Leave college-age women (who definitely aren’t being paid enough to put up with you) alone. Not only is it desperate and creepy; they have thousands of fitter, tanner, and more energetic options at their school.
The interns are younger, more attractive, and smell better than all the other ladies in the office. Plus, they’re willing to stay out later. Babes like older men, so use it to your advantage and ask the smokeshow of an intern out for a drink. Better to be the guy in the office laying pipe to the hot intern than the guy complaining about it in the lunchroom with Sophia. And if it goes sour quickly, she’ll be gone before summers over. Win win.
7. The bartender. If she’s being flirty with you, it’s only because she knows that when she flirts, you buy more drinks, which means a bigger tip for her. You really shouldn’t hit on anyone when they’re at work, but hitting on the bartender is especially cliché.
It’s cliché because it works Sophia, especially if you’re an attractive guy yourself. I’m not, so I don’t hit on bartenders, but if you spend hours in the gym and look good in a T, go for it.
8. The barista. The barista is also paid to be nice.
The barista knows you’re up at 7am every weekday and assumes you have a stable job. Take your shot playboy! If she rejects you, there’s always Dunkin Donuts.
9. People who are paying you to do a job. While it’s hot in porn, no one actually wants the cable guy to make a move.
Fact: babes love men in uniform. You’re at her house because her husband isn’t man enough to fix the machine/plumbing/AC himself. Be the man her husband isn’t and make a move on her.
10. Anyone who is working in a sexy outfit. Please, for the love of God, leave women who are working in sexy outfits alone. The Hooters waitress, the lifeguard at your local pool, strippers: They deal with creepy men all day and no, your pick-up line is not original.
By Sophia’s logic, you can have a field day with nuns.
11. Law enforcement. This one feels obvious.
Cops need loving too.
12. Your celebrity crush. Walking up to Selena Gomez in a Whole Foods won’t work.
This is the point in the list where Sophia is beginning to run out of scenarios and starts stretching. If your celebrity crush is in front of you in line and you don’t take your shot, you’ll spend the rest of your living days regretting it. Get in there and say “sup” before the cashier cock blocks you.
13. Students of yours, of any kind. All the cocaine in the world wouldn’t give me enough energy to explain why this is so wrong. The short version is this: The power dynamics of the situation automatically mean that you’re taking advantage of the other person.
I agree with Sophia with this one. High school teachers need to stay away from the kids. However, if you’re a professor, you worked your ass of to get that doctorates and deserve the fruits of your labor. Go to the frat parties and clean up!
14. Taken people. No, not the cast of the smash hit Taken (2008); I would probably hit on Liam Neeson, too, if the opportunity presented itself (though, again, see above). You are not to hit on anyone who you know is dating or married to someone else—unless they very explicitly have a (real) open or non-monogamous relationship. Sure, you can do morality gymnastics to defend the choice to sleep with married/engaged/relationshipped people, and doing so doesn’t make you a bad person, per se, but don’t go trying to fuck taken people.
Halfway through the article and Sophia finally tries an attempt at humor. If you go after a taken babe and she fucks you, she’s probably cheated on her hunk before and will again. That’s on her, not you. Get yours and move on. Catching the stomach butterflies for her in the process is where you done fucked up. Don’t do that and you’re fine.
15. Anyone in the Trump administration/family.
Need I say anything?
16. Anyone at a funeral. It wasn’t cool in Wedding Crashers, and it isn’t cool in real life. Odds are you’re just making someone’s already tragic day worse. You don’t want your dick to be associated with Uncle Leon’s mortal coil shuffle-off.
If you’re not going to take advantage of that hottie crying three pews in front of you, you’re not trying hard enough my man. It’s like taking candy from a baby. Hit on that hottie and invite her in the back of the hearse for a quickie.
17. Anyone you’ve already tried to hook up with in the past half-decade who has turned you down. If you’ve shot your shot in the past five years and got a “no” or a “maybe,” it’s safe to assume that that person has not been waiting for you to ask again. They know you’re an option. If it’s been longer than that, and especially if you’ve gotten better as a person, or hotter, I give you my blessing to try ONCE more.
This depends on her age. If she’s in her early 20s, then I agree with Sophia. Babes get desperate once they hit 30 and they’re the only single one in their social circle. Hit her up once a year after 30 and twice a year once she reaches 40. Regardless, the 8th times a charm!
18. Your Lyft or Uber driver. They’re trapped in an enclosed space with you. In fact…
Maybe it’s because I live in the suburbs, but I’ve yet to come across an attractive Uber driver. I concede to Sophia with this one.
19. Don’t hit on anyone who is trapped in an enclosed space with you. Wait until a woman has plenty of room to physically run away from you before you ask her out. That means no asking out your sexy spelunking instructor, or the mega babe you’re trapped in an elevator with (despite what rom-coms have led you to believe). Wait until there are exits.
Go ahead and give a polite hello to the lady seated next to you on the plane. Better yet, say “sup” to the Eastern European flight attendant serving you your 4th vodka nip.
20. Anyone with headphones in. I don’t care how flirty the looks you were giving each other across the subway were. She’s probably listening to ABBA’s Greatest Hits yet again and does not want to be disturbed.
Sophia is a hater. You’re more entertaining and have more to say than the Drake tunes she’s listening to. Tap her on the shoulder and when she takes her earbud out, compliment her chest.
21. Super, super-hot women who friend request you on Facebook out of the blue. They are not real; hitting on them—or even accepting the friend request—is just sad. Real hot women are no longer on Facebook, they’re on Instagram, and they still aren’t trying to date you. If it seems like a trap, it’s a trap.
Accepting their request is not sad Sophia! When you give her a dick pic and then she demands you give her your credit card number or else she’ll share your pic with family members…that’s sad. And Sophia, it’s only happened to me three times so far.
22. People who are way too young for you. A good rule of thumb is that if you knew how to drive before they were born, you’re being creepy. A better rule of thumb is “half your age plus seven years.” Age is not “just a number,” any more than your bank account is “just a number.” Off the top of my head, I can list every single celebrity in his 30s or 40s who has dated a teenager. That’s how skin-crawlingly gross it is.
Being able to list every celebrity in his 30s or 40s dating a teenager is creepy Sophia. Maybe you should be a little more concerned with your love life than that of others.
23. Your ex.
Only after she blocks you on all forms of social media and files for a restraining order. Until she does that, drunk text away homeboy!
Sophia Benoit is wet blanket and ATE isn’t. Do you and stop worrying about what others think or say. If you see a babe you’re attracted to, go up and hit on her politely. Let others like Sophia grunt in disgust as that babe puts her digits in your phone. It’s your life…go for it!