13-Year-Old-Boy Attacked By Shark Vows To Get Back In The Ocean

Keane Webre-Hayes

(Source)  Ellie Hayes, the mother of the 13-year-old boy who sustained serious upper body injuries after being attacked by a shark on Saturday, is thankful her son is alive.

During a press conference held at Rady Children’s Hospital Monday afternoon, Ellie revealed she was there at the time of her son Keane Webre-Hayes’ attack.

“I was on the cliff in the parking lot when I heard it,” Ellie told reporters.

Keane and a friend were diving for lobsters on the first day of the season just off the coast of Encinitas, a popular beach town in San Diego County. Ellie explained her son was “emphatic” about his excursion and even told her he was going to cook her a lobster dinner.

When reporters asked Ellie for further detail on the attack, she said “It’s Keane’s story” and wants to let him tell it how he wants to.

Proving just how fearless he is, Ellie later said Keane has plans to get back in the water after he makes a full recovery.

How’s that saying go?  Once you touch a hot stove with your hand, you’ll never touch it again?  From now on, Keane has to treat the ocean like it’s a hot stove and stay away from it.  Jumping back into the ocean after recovering from shark bites (we’re rooting for your recovery Keane!) isn’t an act of fearlessness, it’s an act of stupidity.  Take a hard look at the teeth marks this shark left on your arm and count your blessings.

The ocean literally bit you in the ass; don’t go testing your fate again.  Shark bites you once, shame on him; shark bites you twice and you deserve to lose your limbs.  That’s how I rationalize it.  I feel bad for you kid, but if this happens again, that’s where my sympathy runs dry.  Go find another body of water like a lake, a pool, or a bubble bath if you feel the need to take a dip again.  Beaches should be off limits for Keane and instead of vowing to go back in the salt water, he should be pleading with his parents to move to a non-coastal state.

Look at it this way.  If I were to get mauled by a bear in the forest and lived to tell about it, you wouldn’t see me in the woods ever again.  I’d learn my lesson and get my exercise on a treadmill for the rest of my living days.  Maybe this example makes more sense: If I were to dip my penis in a Brazilian prostitute and contract syphilis, I wouldn’t be telling the doctor at the free clinic prescribing me penicillin that I vow to go back to the brothel again once I’m cured.  I’d still get with prostitutes of course, just not with the one I already know has syphilis.

I hope you read this Keane.  You have your whole life ahead of you kid.  Chicks dig scars and no scars are sexier than those that come from great whites.  Use this to your advantage.  Use it to get dates with the cheerleaders and hot foreign language teachers in your school.  Use it to get booked on Ellen & Good Morning America.  Post some of your scars on IG and watch as you gain millions of followers.  Use your story as your college essay and you’ll get accepted to every university you apply to.  You’re holding the trump card up your ravaged arm anytime someone tries to one up you.  Once you get out of the hospital, life is your oyster.  Whatever you decide to do, please don’t throw it away by insisting to go swimming in ocean again.


PS: jellyfish terrify me way more than sharks do.


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