Brazil Holds Its 13th Annual Miss Talavera Bruce Prison Beauty Pageant

(Source)  RIO DE JANEIRO — After hours of putting on makeup and getting their dresses just right, female prisoners paraded in front of group of judges Tuesday.

At stake? The crown of Miss Talavera Bruce, an annual beauty pageant named after the women’s prison in western Rio.

For the prisoners, the contest is a time to enjoy dressing up, temporarily forget life behind bars and enjoy visiting family, who are allowed to come.

A tradition unlike any other!  I’m 13 yrs and two days late to the party, but better late than never.  Photos don’t lie.  There’s more talent in this Rio De Janeiro prison than you’ll find at BAR in New Haven on a Friday night.

Are they dimes?  I’m not going to tell you whether they are or not; that’s between yourself and your God to decide.  What I will say though is any one of these contestants could tend bar at my favorite dive (Lenny’s).  Oddly placed tattoos and smoking cigs out back are staples of any bartender staffed at local watering holes.  I would gladly flirt and tip them a $1 for each Budweiser they served me.  They’d all reject my clumsy advances as my game is not up to snuff, but I’d walk away after paying my tab with a good buzz and a smile on my face knowing I’d be back tomorrow evening to shoot my shot once more.  Ask Ray Allen about his shooting routine before games.  Repetition is what makes you Jesus Shuttlesworth, not natural ability.  You can’t expect me to take a prison beauty pageant contestant home on the first try.  After all, the correctional officers do roll call at 9pm and it’d be their luscious ass if they weren’t in their assigned cell.

Okay, I’m sorry about that.  My mind wanders sometimes.  Back to reality.  At this point, Brazil is synonymous with beauty pageants.  MissBumbum and contests like it practically put Brazil on the map.

This pageant is different though.  You don’t want to be the inmate holding a flower bouquet and wearing the tiara when it’s all said and done.  One thing I know about beauty pageants is that the contestants tend to get catty towards one another.  Hell has no furry like a woman after being told by a panel of judges that she’s uglier than the lady standing next to her.  In normal circumstances, the winner can go on her elementary school speaking tour and never see her less genetically gifted competition ever again.  That’s not the case here.  The winner has to go back to Cell Block D with all the uglies she just beat out.  Sleep with one eye open tonight Miss Tavalera Bruce because the losers are coming for that ass – I mean crown.

PS: I know this is ripe for an Orange is the New Black clip, but I’ve never watched the show.

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