Why is no one talking about this? Every site on the web and their mother has the Jeff Bezos divorce/new bombshell mistress Lauren Sanchez as their lead story (clicks! clicks! clicks!), but no one’s mentioning the real story right in front of our eyes – a pair of cross-eyed lovers! Insert your own cheesy love at first sight joke here.
The odds of Jeff Bezos kicking his wife and kids to the curb for a fellow cross-eyed elitist had to be a billion to one. You have to think the #1 thing cross-eyed people look for in a partner is someone NOT cross-eyed. Personally, if I were Jeff Bezos, I’d go a step further and find a blind gal to date, which would draw attention away from my own deformity.
Lauren’s right eye is not as pronounced as Mr. Amazon’s, but when you see them together, it’s shocking how much their eyes stand out. Like one is worth $160 billion ($80 billion after the upcoming divorce) and the other is a Hollywood starlet with umm enhanced breasts + lips and all I see is two cross-eyed fucks. Man that makes me giggle. Cyclops has met his match!
I’ll give Jeff Bezos this though…his mistress may be cross-eyed, but those titties ain’t cross-eyed:
It’s official…Jeff Bezos is a confirmed “boobs guy” and the only thing rising faster than Amazon stock is Jeff’s dick when Lauren Sanchez suggests a titty fuck while her husband is away on business.
The question that remains is giving up $80 billion worth it? Jeff Bezos’ soon-to-be ex-wife MacKenzie is a foxy MILF in her own right and if we’re being honest, his mistress looks a litttle too much like MacKenzie minus the silicon + fat injections. But c’mon man, look at those pics again and take into account Lauren Sanchez used to host “So You Think You Can Dance”, “Extra”, “Good Day LA”, and is married to Matt Damon’s agent. And now you can add “World’s Most Expensive Pussy” to her imDb page.
Having fringe roles in Lalaland and being married to one of its’ major power players all but confirms Lauren Sanchez is a Gold-Star Certified Dickwrecker. Outside of women in the sex industry, certified dick-wreckers are few and far between and that’s why I approve of Jeff losing half his wealth to get his dick worked over. What’s $80 bil when you have another $80 bil stockpiled anyways? As Elaine Benes learned the hard way, the whole point of making bank is to ditch who you’re currently with:
P.S. When taking into account women, Jeff Bezos has a strongggg edge over Mark Zuckerberg: